Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get 8 cats to pull a sled through the snow. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. Before television, nobody knew what a headache looked like. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? My mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A visitor came to Israel and saw the Western Wall. Not being too versed in religious aspects, he inquired of another tourist about the significance of the wall. The other tourist explained; "This is a sacred wall.. If you pray to it, God may hear you." The visitor walked close to the wall and started to pray. "Dear Lord," he said, "bring sunshine and warmth to this beautiful land." A commanding voice answered, "I will, my son." The visitor said: "Bring prosperity to this land." A commanding voice answered, "I will, my son." The visitor said: "Let Jews and Arabs live together in peace, dear Lord." A commanding voice answered, "You're talking to a wall, my son".
A big-city lawyer from Washington went duck hunting in the N.C. low country.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a
farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor & asked him what
he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it".
The old farmer replied. " This is my property and
you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in NC. Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the 3 kick rule." The lawyer asked, what's that? The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you 3 times and then you kick me 3 times and so on back and forth till someone gives up". The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot, now its my turn".
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. How do I set a laser printer to stun? If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. The cardiologists diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. At 20, we don't care what the world thinks of us. At 30, we start to worry about what it thinks of us. At 40, we realize that it isn't thinking of us at all.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.
My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
My blond girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off,
but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
1970: LONG HAIR 2000: LONGING FOR HAIR 1970: THE PERFECT HIGH 2000: THE PERFECT HIGH YIELD MUTUAL FUND 1970: KEG 2000: EKG 1970: ACID ROCK 2000: ACID REFLUX 1970: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S COOL 2000: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S WARM 1970: GROWING POT 2000: GROWING POT BELLY 1970: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE FLIGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS 2000: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE FLIGHT WITH YOUR CHILDREN 1970: TRYING TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO OR ELIZABETH TAYLOR 2000: TRYING NOT TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO OR ELIZABETH TAYLOR 1970: STEMS AND SEEDS 2000: ROUGHAGE 1970: POPPING PILLS, SMOKING JOINTS 2000: POPPING JOINTS 1970: OUR PRESIDENT'S STRUGGLE WITH FIDEL 2000: OUR PRESIDENT'S STRUGGLE WITH FIDELITY 1970: PARR 2000: AARP 1970: KILLER WEED 2000: WEED KILLER 1970: HOPING FOR A BMW 2000: HOPING FOR A BM 1970: THE GRATEFUL DEAD 2000: DR. KEVORKIAN 1970: GETTING OUT TO A NEW HIP JOINT 2000: GETTING A NEW HIP JOINT 1970: ROLLING STONES 2000: KIDNEY STONES 1970: BEING CALLED TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE 2000: CALLING THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE 1970: SCREW THE SYSTEM 2000: UPGRADE THE SYSTEM 1970: PEACE SIGN 2000: MERCEDES LOGO 1970: PARENTS BEG YOU TO GET A HAIRCUT 2000: CHILDREN BEG YOU TO GET THEIR HEADS SHAVED 1970: PASSING THE DRIVERS TEST 2000: PASSING THE VISION TEST 1970: "WHATEVER" 2000: "DEPENDS" Then: Wait for TV to warm up Now : Wait for TV to boot up Then: 'Professional' means does work well Now : 'Professional' means gets paid to do work